Waves, Rivers, and Lakes

Yesterday was a tough one.  I never know when it is coming, why it hits me so hard , or how long I am going to be stumbling on my knees grasping.  I cannot get the habits of natural water sources out of my mind as I encounter all of the feelings that have been washing over me these past few weeks.  Water can have many purposes (or side benefits), and possible side effects.  It can sustain you, refresh you, and clean you, but it can also sweep you off your feet, cause you to stumble,  choke, or suffocate, and, the darkest of side effects, can cause you to drown and steal your life.  Sometimes, I feel like a wave has crashed over me, causing me to get knocked off my feet, take my breath away for a moment, and then I am quickly recovered and back on my feet again.  Other times, it is like I am standing in a river with a strong, rushing, current.  I feel the weight pushing against me and each step that I take is heavy and labored. While in the strong river,  I am not able to withstand the force for very long.  I am swept off my feet and carried away in the current for awhile before I find something on which to grab and pull myself back up out of the water.  Lake water has its' own challenges, as well. The water seems heavier, swimming is harder, its dark, and you cannot see what is under you or lurking around you.

Yesterday, I was in my car with my children heading to a lake to spend some time relaxing with a friend and her children.  The morning had been average...a few waves, but I quickly recovered.  Then, while in the car, that heavy pressure in the pit of my stomach settled in for a longer period of time. It was kind of like lake water.... still, heavy, and unknown.  It is hard for me to breathe, sometimes, in this lake.  I had some overwhelming moments of tears later in the afternoon  with Mia and in the evening with some  friends.  I typically feel the weight and pressure for awhile and then, like a dam, the flood gate is lifted slightly to release some of the force that has been building on the inside.  When the waters have been released, I feel better, but exhausted from the struggle at the same time.

While drinking my green tea in bed this morning, I picked up my stack of note cards with scriptures written on them (Thanks to my friend, Beth T., for giving them all to me.), and I came across a scripture that gave me hope.  Isaiah 43:2 says,"When you pass thru the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass thru the rivers, they will not sweep over you."  God's timing of reminding me of this promise was perfect. One of my favorite children's books, which I read often to my children, is called The Runaway Bunny, by Margaret Wise Brown.  The young bunny tells his mother that he is going to run away.  She tells him, "If you run away, I will run after you.  For you are my little bunny."  The young bunny says, "if you run after me, I will become a fish in a trout stream and I will swim away from you."  The mother replies, "If you become a fish in a trout stream, I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you."  Later in the book, the young bunny says, "I will become a sailboat and sail away from you."  The sweet and wise mother replies, "If you become a sailboat and sail away from me, I will become the wind and blow you where I want you to go." Finally, he says, "I will become a little boy and run into a house."  The mother bunny then proves there is no way to escape her love.  She says, "If you become a little boy and run into a house, I will become your mother and catch you in my arms and hug you."  What a poignant truth of the love my heavenly Father has for me.  It does not matter where I turn, where I go, or how hard I may be sucked in by the current.  He will be with me, after me, and for me... lifting me out of the waters and allowing me to catch my breath.