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  I received a response yesterday to my post “Tears in the Closet”.   My friend reminded me of the “extreme separation”, which are the words...

Things Are Not What They Seem

Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I know it is only natural for us to look at someone and make a judgement call on how they are doing.... they look nice, are dressed sharp, nice hair, smile on the face, can converse about the details of dailyness, and even answer "good"when asked how they are doing.  Things are not what they seem.  In everyone's lives, there is so much going on sub-level. We have all learned how to show the side which we think people want to see.  We can become, what John Eldredge refers to as, a poser.  I have never wanted to be a poser and work hard at being transparent, but, lately, I have found that putting on a face is really my way of surviving "outside of the box".  Don't be fooled... beneath the surface, the kids and I are still "inside the box".

We must go about our daily activities, have conversations about other topics, speak when spoken to, smile back to people, and even ask other people how they are doing.  In spite of my outward appearance and actions, on the inside I am feeling like my whole insides are on fire.  It is such a strange sensation.  Sometimes it feels like a heavy weight is being pressed on all sides of my body.  Breathing sometimes feels shallow.  Other times, I can be listening to someone talk to me and my stomach will begin to burn and then the heat will spread to my entire body.  My ears will begin to feel it and all of the background noise will be shut out and I feel like I am in a room without noise, but yet everyone is talking and carrying on with their conversations.  Sometimes it is just an ache or an empty feeling, while other times it is just plain painful.  If the kids and I laugh, the laughter is real, but when the laughter is over, the void, and the pain are still there.  If you look hard enough into our eyes, you can see it.  I see it in their eyes.  It is under there but they are surviving and so am I.  We are walking against a strong tide or wind.   It is a slow walk, but we are progressing, in spite of the force and the sand and dust that is getting in our eyes.

 I just turned to some verses in the book of Psalm that speak directly to these thoughts. (I am forever amazed how God does that.... meets all of our needs.  "....My God shall supply all of my needs according to His riches and glory by Christ Jesus.")

 Psalm 116:1-9
"I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.  Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him for as long as I live.  The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.  Then I called on the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save me!"  The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.  The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, He saved me.  Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.  For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living."

I believe His word is true and that it will not return void to us.

Isaiah 40:29-31
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."


LiNz Says:
March 29, 2011 at 8:57 AM

I love you and am so thankful for your transparency and open heart...In the void of your weakness and heartache, your LORD shines through brighter, with the hope of His grace! ;)

Anonymous Says:
March 29, 2011 at 10:36 AM

I don't even know you. But, our sweet Jesus is using you mightily to spread the Gospel. Through your pain.. he has given you his grace to walk through this valley. Know that one day you will see your sweet Michael. Love to you and your children.

Anonymous Says:
March 29, 2011 at 10:57 AM

Now that I am gone,
remember me with smiles and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them what you need to give to me.
There are so many who need so much.
I want to leave you something --
something much better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I've known
or helped in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as in your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,
by embracing them and living in their love.
Love does not die, people do.
So, when all that's left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.

-- Author unknown

"Your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you."

When I read your entry today, I was reminded of these things that I am now sharing with you. Though you and I have never met..... the pouring out of your love for Michael here in your blog has touched me on a very personal level. You have indeed changed my life.... especially in my relationship with not only my own wife and family but also with my God.

Bless you dear sweet lady. You have many, many people who love you and read your blog daily. You are a truly remarkable person through whom God is speaking in a very powerful way.

It is love, not time, that heals all wounds.


Anonymous Says:
March 29, 2011 at 1:11 PM

The day of soaring again is ahead of you. It WILL come.

Jackie Sanders Says:
March 29, 2011 at 3:10 PM

Words don't seem to be enough. They just don't sum up the sorrow that I've felt for you since Michaels' passing.
And yes I want to build you up & encourage you, I know this too will pass. I know God will see you thru this time and He'll make you stronger each day.
But I also want to let you know that it's so alright to take your time and feel...take your time to grieve, to cry & mourn. It's alright to not want to put on the brave face & I applaud you for opening your spirit & soul by sharing your feelings, thoughts and grief with us.
I know it must be terribly hard to GO ON....that things just don't seem right without Michael here with you. But Michaels' love & his strength is all around you to help you go on.
My prayers are with you, my heart breaks for you & I know that even tho you don't see it right now...things will be okay again.
I love you Jené
Jackie Sanders

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