And Yet

Over the last 13 days, I have often thought about David in the book of Psalm.  Besides Proverbs, it is my favorite book in the Bible.  Up until now,  there were emotions David describes that I felt were unreal or too "super spiritual" for any real human being to experience.  I thought these emotions were reserved for Old Testament heroes of the faith or Paul, in his passionate desperation to share the gospel with all who would listen.  I told my close friend Adrienne I am hurting in a place so deep down in my soul I never knew it existed.  My cries have turned into moans that literally feel like I am giving birth to a child. (I had our last two children naturally and the experience has been identical.)  The cries can sometimes sound abnormal. It has turned my mind to David and the scriptures that I often scanned over thinking, "I can't relate... move on."

But now I get it.

 Our pastor, Mike Campbell, from Redeemer Presbyterian Church, spoke at Michael's funeral service.  He drove home this truth, which is often beyond our comprehension, that two truths, which at face value seem to be in opposition to each other, and yet can exist at the same time.  Yes, we will miss Michael. Yes, there will be great pain.  Yes, the pain is real and validated.... And yet, God is still loving, merciful, full of goodness,  tender mercies, and abundant grace.  I have continued to hear those words ringing in my ears, "And yet..."  It is so reassuring that God is still God and He still sits on the throne and He still stands on His holy hill and hears my prayers.  Psalm 6:6-9 reads, "I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with tears.  My eye wastes away because of grief; It grows old because of all my enemies.  Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity." (Here comes another 'and yet' or 'but God'.)  " For the Lord(and yet He) has heard the voice of my weeping.  The Lord has heard my supplication."  David says it again in Psalm 22:14 & 15, 19, "I am poured out like water and all my bones are out of joint; My heart is like wax; It has melted within me.  My strength is dried up like a potsherd.  And my tongue clings to my jaws; You have brought me to the dust of death.... But you, O lord, do not be far from me; O my strength, hasten to help me!" David feels all of these emotions but he knows he can look to God and say,"Here I am Lord... dried up, a wreck, lost, miserable, and feeling so heavy my bones can barely carry me.  But I turn to You, because I know You are able, and in spite how I may be feeling, You are still there."

My stomach muscles still hurt from recently "giving birth".  I still have those sudden moments where I feel like every bit of life has been sucked out of me.  My tears still overtake me like like a tidal wave, suddenly.  As I recognize Michael is no longer by my side, I catch my breath, as if someone just punched me in the stomach.  I still have thoughts of fear of the future, completing this journey without my beautiful "other half".  I still hurt way down deep inside my soul where no amount of crying, eating, drinking, or resting can, seem to satisfy.  And yet, the Lord is the lifter of my head, my rock and my salvation...whom shall I fear.