The Dentist

 I know I have already posted today, but I have had a heavy morning.  I don't think there is any rule that says I can only post once a day, is there?  I told my sweet friend, Nanette, that if I had the time to get away all day long, I could write every minute of the day.  I have just been posting one portion of the many thoughts, obstacles, and pains that I come across throughout any given moment. I just tried to take a nap with my four year old niece, since I have been up since a little after 3:00 this morning, but I was only able to be still.  My mind and insides are churning.

A simple trip to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned was like climbing Mt. Everest.  We are in a strict habit of going to the dentist as a family every six months to get our teeth cleaned.  We were all scheduled for today and had been since our last appointment, six months ago.  I discussed it with my friends and family if I should cancel, or just forge on through it. They all agreed that it would be good to just go ahead and get it over with...so I did.  In spite of the difficulty, I am glad I went.

Because I have always home schooled, we all go together and take books to read.  They take us in two at a time.  Michael was on basically the same schedule, and sometimes we would see him coming and going near the time we were there.  We absolutely love our dentist (he is a Christian, too), and all of the hygienists are sweet, tender, and friendly people. There was nothing they could have done or not done to prevent my emotions and thoughts from overcoming me while sitting in the chair.  As I sat with my son waiting to be called back, my thoughts went this way..."Okay.  This is a peaceful safe environment.  I love these people and they love me.  I can do this.  It isn't going to be too bad, I mean, it's the dentist office, right?" Once my name was called to go to the back, the heaviness began to set into my chest and stomach.  When I sat down in the chair, I felt like an elephant was in the tiny room sitting on me and stealing all of the oxygen.  You could have heard a pin drop, in spite of the Christian music quietly playing in the background. I sat and stared at a painting of clouds in front of me and felt like it was the only thing I could see.  The hygienist was very considerate, tender, and quiet.  Sensing my mood, she spared me any small talk and just said what was necessary to do her job.  Then came the x-rays.

She put the heavy bib on me and the thoughts came gushing across my mind.  It was the first time in 24 years that I did not need to be concerned about the possibility of being pregnant. Michael and I agreed from the beginning that we would not use any form of birth control.  We believed that since we were in a covenant marriage and putting our faith in Him in all other areas of our lives, we trusted Him with that area too.  Why do we all trust God with our lives, our future, our health, our salvation, and yet, we reserve that decision for us to decide what is best? ( As you can tell, I am not holding back any thought. I am giving up any form of being a poser.) Immediately after our wedding, we decided to give that control over to God and let Him decide how many children we would have biologically, and when they would come.  He knows us better than we know ourselves. We felt safe and secure in our decision and never worried about the outcome.  After four years, we had our first child, Mia Jene' Barranco. Four years later, we had Julia Marie Barranco.  Next came our little miracle.  I weaned Julia at 11 months and the next month I got pregnant with our son, Michael Anthony Barranco, Jr.  We always felt that we were destined to have five or six children.  Every month I would wonder, "Is this going to be the month?"  Months and years went by, and additional pregnancies never came.  Every night in bed, he would wrap his arms around me, or we would just hold hands, and he would pray over our family.  He always included a petition for more children.

About four years ago, we separately heard during our private prayer times that we were to pursue adoption.  We were ecstatic about the idea and the children were completely on board.  (That whole journey is story all by itself...actually a book, or a movie - I had already started to write a screenplay about a part of the story.) His prayers at night changed slightly.  He began to pray for the children that were already out there which God had chosen to become Barranco children.  He prayed for protection over their lives and that they would be brought safely to their forever home. We actually were caring for a five year old foster child at the time of Michael's death.  We took him into our home April 2010.  His custody trial was scheduled for the week that Michael's accident took place.  The state had already determined that he was going to live with his parents. This was going to be a good thing.  They were living clean, right, and godly lives. (More on that later.)  Under the circumstances, the state decided that they could go ahead and take him home the night before the trial.  In one day, we lost Michael and a beautiful little boy named Keagan.... we called him Special K.

I am sitting in the dentist's chair and my mind is running like a freight train.

(I am about to dive into things even more personal... if that is possible.  I know I will hesitate before I click the button that says, "Publish Post".  I have been dragging my feet for a few days about sharing this but the Holy Spirit won't let me slip this one under the rug.  I need to share it and somebody out there needs to hear it.)

I switched doctors recently and went with a young, well respected female.  We connected immediately and she treated us with the utmost respect.  I told her that we had agreed that we were fine with not having anymore biological children.  We were content and certain that we were to adopt.  She then asked me, "Are you sure?  Don't you just want to know why you have not had any children?"  It caused me to stop and think.  We agreed to run some tests but were firm in our commitment to adopt. She had me take some medicine that would raise my progesterone levels if I was ovulating, which meant my side of the deal was good.  She called me with the results and her excitement came through the phone, "Your levels are through the roof!"  She then suggested we had Michael tested to make sure all was well in that department.  He texted me on February 2 of last month, 20 days before the wreck, and told me that his levels were all normal.  We were clear to give it a go.  We followed the doctors orders and thought we would just try this month but were willing to walk away from it because we knew that children were  coming to our house via adoption. Our week and a half to try took us right up to two nights before the wreck.  After getting the news of his death, I had to carry this huge secret burden.  I cried out to God,  "Oh dear God!  Please!  I know I have been a strong woman in the past, but please don't make me do this! Please!  I don't think I can carry his child for the next nine months without him by my side....Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy!"  I shared it with one person and she kept it to herself.  I had to wait about five days before I could know the answer.  I started and it came early for the first time in my whole marriage.  He was merciful.  I broke down and cried.  Relieved and yet sad at the same time.   This scripture came to mind.. .Jeremiah 29:11,"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." There was never anything wrong with us... God just knew best.

The memories all went back to a  heavy bib in the dentist chair.

BTW... no cavities