Heart Broken

In one of my posts, or several, I have used the words "heart ache", or "heart aching".  About two weeks ago, I was just sitting there with thoughts of Michael when I realized that, for the first time in my life, my heart was broken. I believe I must  have lived a charmed life by not having my heart broken before now.  My heart was preserved and whole when I gave it to him on our wedding day in 1987.  I gladly gave it to him knowing that he would protect it... and he did.  I think there are different levels of having your heart broken depending on the maturity of the relationship, the reason for the heart break, and what we do with it when it is breaking.  

The more mature the relationship, the greater the pain because a broader sense of intimacy is lost.  You are not just losing some one to have a date with on Friday nights or some one to kiss on New Year's Eve, but you are losing the one that holds and shares your most intimate thoughts, dreams, and memories. I think of that little necklace, that I used to think was kind of corny, that holds half of a broken heart on it, and your boyfriend or girlfriend was supposed to wear one which held the other half of the heart.  In reality, for Michael and I , this is true.  I, literally, had part of his heart and he had part of mine.  My heart is breaking by not having my other half with me.

 Trying to get my mind on other things for awhile, my sister and my niece took me and my girls out shopping on my birthday weekend.  We separated in a little gift shop and I was alone for a few minutes when I came across a print on the wall that said, "To my heart, You hold the key." The tears came suddenly up and filled to the brim.  I took a deep breath and soaked in that thought for a moment.  Not everyone allows their heart to be unlocked or ever finds the person with the right key.  I held Michael's key and he held mine.  It can also be called the gatekeeper, because we made sure that nothing got in that did not go through us first.

Losing someone that shares memories with you is heart breaking too.  Several weeks ago, I was talking to someone and was sharing a memory about one of the kids when they were little.  I was suddenly overcome with the thought that I am the only one who has that memory now.  Just to be able to sit with the family, look at Michael and say, "Remember when Mia would run, not walk every time she went to her bedroom?  You could hear her feet speed up on the hardwood floors as she turned the corner."  "Remember  when Julia would love to lay in her baby bed and look at magazines, a whole stack at a time?"  "Remember when Michael Anthony would climb out his crib every night before the door was even closed behind you?"  There is no one to say, "remember when", with anymore.  I am the keeper of the memories now.  I plan on sharing them continually with our children so that they can always be in on my memories.

Some times I feel like the words "broken heart" or "widow" are hanging in front of me like the scarlet letter.  Even though every one cannot see it, I feel like they do.  Several times over the past month I have thought that I was getting a sore throat.  I realized one day that I was experiencing something new.  There was an ever present lump in my throat ready to cry at any second. It is large and sometimes stuck down in the bottom of my throat, as if I have just swallowed a big, hard air bubble.  Where does that lump come from anyway?  Why can you sometimes cry with a lump in your throat or without? I have had a lump in my throat for a little over 5 weeks now.  I keep swallowing and crying but it does not seem to go anywhere.  Its a broken heart.  It swells before it can heal.

The part of my heart that I gave to Michael will never return, but I know my God can heal my wound.  Again, He has provided a promise to me to fit my exact need.  I have everything surrounding this scripture underlined, but this verse is not....  because I have never needed to remember it before now.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
... and then again
 Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."


I know He is there for me and I know that He will heal my broken heart.... but hearts take a long time to heal and the healing process is painful.