A Safe Place

I have spoken of how Michael and I gave each other super powers, but the contrast of that is we both allowed our relationship to be a place where we could be weak... let our guard down, expose our pains and  inabilities, and ask the questions of life without judgement.  The art of being able to do this is knowing when one needs to be the strong one and when it is time to be the weaker one.  If we were both weak at the same time, insecurity would try to sneak in the door.  Encouraging one another through those times of weakness was crucial to the advancement of our marriage relationship.

To the world, and even with my children, I am strong on a continual basis, but I drew comfort from the ability to be weak in Michael's strength.  He loved it when, in my weakness, I would turn to him for strength and advice.  God put him in my life for that purpose.  I loved that safe place.  He was my protector, and when he was feeling weak, I was his. Protectors of the heart.  It is an interesting truth, but by me allowing him to fill that need, it gave him more strength from which to pull when he was down.  He knew I desired his protection and looked to him in that role.  We always said we were each other's checks and balances.  If I ever was overwhelmed and was having a hard time saying "no" to a project or thinking through a process, he could easily step in and help make the decision for me.  It reminds me of when I was a child.  I might have had a friend invite me to do something, of which I really did not want to do.  It would be hard to say no to them if the "no" was coming from me.  I would ask my parents and they would clearly say no for me..... then I could say, "My parents said I can't go."  It is allowing someone else to be the heavy once in awhile.  An example of this had just happened the day before his accident.  I had joined a tennis team last fall for an outlet of fun and exercise, only because he encouraged me to do so.  I was needing to decide if I was going to commit to play again this spring.  I called him because I was having a tough time with the decision.  I told him that it just did not feel right.  I felt like my spring was too "up in the air" to make a commitment to the team.  He said, "Babe, this is something you are supposed to be doing because it is fun, and if it is going to cause you stress in any way, just don't do it. But don't stop getting out to play or exercise because it is so good for you, and you know you feel better when you do."  I sent the email to my team captain immediately, and was relieved.  The next night my whole life changed.  It is a safe place having someone look out for your best interest.

Yes, I am going to God with all of my moments of weakness. "Lord, Jesus, I need you to come into this place of weakness right now," seems to be a daily prayer, but being able to expose that weakness to another human being is also a necessity.  I have had lots of friends and family who have allowed me the opportunity and the security to be weak in their presence.  God has also used my pastor as a safe place for me to share my fears and weaknesses.  I feel like a burden has been lifted after having talked to him.  

I miss that feeling of constant protection that I received from Michael.... physical, mental, and spiritual.  He was constantly looking out for me and the children.  His prayers, his presence, his actions, and his words gave us a sense of security.  He had our back at all times, in all situations.  I have always known that God does all of that for me too, but now my faith is going to new heights as I must lean on Him for all of it and am not able to see the physical presence of that security any more.