First Birthday

I dreamed of him in the early morning hours this morning, for the first time.  I was asleep on my back and had a pillow on top of part of me.   In my dream,  I thought his knee had dropped over on me and that I was holding his knee.  The dream lasted for what seemed like five seconds before I realized that it was my pillow.  I felt very alone lying there on my back with the ceiling fan churning.  Thankfully, I was able to fall right back asleep, but then I had another dream.  This one was without him.  It was a gathering of some friends serving up a very special birthday brunch for me.  Since it was a birthday without Michael, they were trying to make it extra special.  As I was walking to the gathering of people, they were singing, Happy Birthday, to me.  At first I grabbed my stomach while I was walking to fight back the tears, but then I just doubled over with tears from deep down and began to stumble.  I awoke at that point.

Today is my birthday.... it is harder than I thought it would be. I allowed myself time to just lay in bed and feel it.  I have been getting up as soon as I wake up in the mornings, but today I just wanted to be awake in the silence and think about it.  I heard my son turn off the house security alarm and slip outside to walk the dogs. My heart began to miss Michael in a heavy, deep, longing way. I began to cry and catch my breath, like little children do after they have had a hard cry. The photo you see to your right under, "About Me", was my favorite place to be.  In his arms, with my head leaning on his chest.  It was a very safe place.  I miss my soul mate.

 In our home, we have always had the tradition of birthday breakfasts.  I would cook whatever special breakfast was requested by the birthday person.  I would stay up the night before to set the table then place all of the wrapped presents in the middle of the table like a flamboyant centerpiece.  They would come in the kitchen in the morning and it would feel like Christmas. Michael always made sure that it was done equally for me on my birthday.  Last year he made organic spelt flour blueberry scones.  He had never baked anything before but had researched a recipe online and was so excited to make something that he knew I would love. They were fabulous and, of course, there were lots of presents.

We had another tradition for lunch.  We would always meet together at Brent's Drug Store to eat in their Soda Fountain diner area. Michael would drive there from work to join us.  Everyone ordered hamburgers with cokes or milk shakes and I always ordered a tuna melt or an egg and olive sandwich... you have to experience it to know how good it really is!  I always allow the children to "skip" school on their birthdays, which makes it even more special.  Today for lunch we are changing everything.  A group of some friends of mine are taking me to lunch, Mia has a college Algebra class and a haircut, Julia is eating lunch with my brother, and Michael Anthony is eating lunch with our Youth Pastor.  My friends are taking me to a restaurant that had been my and Michael's favorite for about the last 20 years.  I knew I would have to go again some day.  I thought it would be best to experience it for the first time without him at lunch, instead of dinner, and with a group of friends celebrating.  We always had the same waitress, and I am sure she will be waiting on us today.... sweet, funny, and fabulous Janice.

As I type this post, I hear all of my children working together downstairs in the kitchen to cook my birthday breakfast. They have each peeked their head in on me, at different times, to give me a hug and a sweet birthday wish.  Breakfast will be hard and beautiful all at the same time.  Hard, because Michael will not be sitting across from me, encouraging me and looking at me with "that look" that he had been giving me since we met. (My 25 year old neice said, that if she was ever in the room when he gave me that look, with our eyes engaged, she would feel like she was interrupting something.) It will be beautiful to watch the children try will all that they have to make it special for me.  The girls asked me earlier this week what I wanted for breakfast. I told them waffles...I love pure maple syrup.  I can smell the waffles cooking.... they are using freshly ground spelt flour! They are amazing children and I am so proud to say they are mine.  God has their precious hearts in the palm of His hand.

My first birthday..... without Michael.  I awoke feeling alone and heart broken, but am encouraged with the sounds of my children, the smell of love cooking, and the hope of Christ.