Pain Increased

Over the last two weeks, I have noticed that the pain of yearning for Michael’s presence has increased.  Instead of beginning to feel better, I am feeling worse.  I know that one day, the severity of the pain will begin to lift, but I was not prepared to actually begin to miss him even more.  The words I have been using to describe it is that "the vacation is over."  I was away from him for almost two months once in our marriage, while I was in France with the children.  I have now been separated from him longer than that.  It has felt like we have been on a vacation, but not a beautiful one…. no real schedule, not having to cook, not caring about clothes being put away, lots of hanging out with friends, etc.  It has felt like we have just been separated from him, but now it feels like he is really gone.  It still seems so unreal… unreal that something so bad could happen to good people.  I glanced at a recent family photograph that was taken at a family wedding.  It was all of us all dressed up, with our foster child, Keagan, standing in front of us, and we all looked so happy.  We had all enjoyed ourselves so much that night.  All of the kids danced, Michael and I danced together while he held Keagan, and we slow danced together by ourselves.  It was a happy night.  In the photo, Michael is looking straight into the camera almost laughing.  Her never smiled that big in pictures before.  He would always smile, but hardly ever show his teeth.  He was full of joy that night.  I saw that picture and immediately started crying.  I really had thought that nothing like this would ever happen to us.  How could this happen to something that was so right, so beautiful? It was just a sudden, uncontrollable thought. 

Thankfully, I have not been filled with many “whys”.  I truly am thankful for the life we had with him.  I am thankful for everything he was to me and the children.  I really do feel blessed to have had the 24 years that we had together.  Even Michael Anthony said this in his prayer one night last week.  He thanked God for the time he had with his dad.  I have been reminded of something that my brother-in-law said to me about a year ago.  As I have mentioned before, he lost his wife two years ago to breast cancer.  He and I were talking one day in our kitchen and were reminiscing about the day that he met her and the day that Michael and I met each other.  Even though his brother was 12 years older than him, they each got married the same year and had their first two children the same years.  He had not realized, until that day, that they also had both met their mates in the same place, Poets.  He looked at me and said, “What I would give to walk back into Poets and meet her all over again.”  I cried when he spoke those words that day and I would cry any time I told the story to some one else.   I now have the same thoughts.  What I would give to walk back into Poets and meet Michael all over again…. If I could live my life all over again, I would live it with him all over again… exactly the same way.  Oh, how I miss him. I miss serving him.  I miss doing all of the little things that made him happy. What an honor and privilege it was.