Blindsided

Countless times during this raw time of grieving and healing,  I have run into reminders of the pain in the most unexpected places, feeling like I have been completely blindsided by a freight train.  Places where I think I am safe of anything that would remotely bring up tears, memories, or emotions, are not really safe at all.  The first time I experienced this was last weekend, the day after my birthday.  My sister, niece, my daughters and I had decided to watch Sister Act 2.  I loved the first one and had never seen the second one.  We thought a good laugh would be healing.  There is a crazy driving scene, which is supposed to be funny, where a car load of Catholic priests are trying to get somewhere fast.  At one point, the camera view is on the front of the car they are driving and they almost runs into the back of an 18 wheeler. (I have not given details, but Michael was killed instantly after hitting an 18 wheeler trailer that was parked illegally and backwards on a service road.  There were no reflectors on it, cones on the road, or anything to warn him it was there...it was of no fault of his own.)  My body felt like it hit the truck.  It took my breath away.  The tears immediately flooded my eyes and I was overwhelmed with sadness.  I glanced at my girls and they, too, were fighting back tears, averting their eyes from the screen,  and trying to adjust to the unexpected "wreck" they had just experienced. I felt a shared silence. The familiar burn came back to my body and I never fully recovered for the rest of the movie, though I was able to act like I had.

A few days ago, I was in my favorite beach side gift shop, just enjoying looking at all of the new items for this year.  I had just spent several hours with the children on the beach doing absolutely nothing.  I looked up and saw this beautiful frame hanging on the wall with these words written on it, "If you live to be a hundred years old, I want to live to be a hundred minus a day so that I would never have to live without you." Again, blindsided and out of breath.  I had assumed Michael and I would grow that old together, never having to live one without the other.  I had to stand there frozen for a few minutes to regain my composure before I could turn around and face anyone else in the store.

Last night, while watching a Christian comedy video with some friends and my children, it happened again.  This time I saw it coming in the near distance.  I had seen most of this video before, but  we watched one of the acts which I had never seen.  It was all clean and fun, but the flippant attitude toward life, love, and relationships began to seem so ungrateful and careless.  The comedian was making jokes out of the marriage relationship, mostly laughing at himself, but also making reference as if, "this is what wives do and this is what men think."   It hurt me.   I thought, he does not know what it can really be like.  He does not know how much love and respect is possible.  He does not know what he is missing.  He does not know what he has.  How dare he make jokes about something so treasured as a relationship between a husband and wife.  What a missed opportunity to experience heaven on earth.  Does he not understand what God does when he brings together a husband and wife? I had to excuse myself to another room to "get a drink of water" in order to shift my thoughts to something totally different.  My marriage with Michael was too special to listen to someone try to degrade marriage in any way, shape, or form.

I now choose certain movies, music, and topics of conversation with much trepidation.  I have not usually been one to be caught off guard about many things, but it is happening frequently lately.  I could prepare myself, but it won't stop the surge of emotions.  I would not even say that everything is sitting just below the surface, ready to arise at any given moment.  The emotions, the hurts are all still on the surface. Seeing the blow coming does not make it hurt any less. You just get a second to catch your breath before it hits you or tighten up in order to strengthen yourself for the blow.  These times of being blindsided take my breath away for few minutes, then I feel the pain and shock, and finally, breathe deeply before trying to get back on my feet.