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The Lump in My Throat

Thursday, July 21, 2011
In my blog entry, “Heart Broken”, I talked about having an ever-present lump in my throat and mistaking it for a sore throat.

Several times over the past month I have thought that I was getting a sore throat.  I realized one day that I was experiencing something new.  There was an ever-present lump in my throat ready to cry at any second. It is large and sometimes stuck down in the bottom of my throat, as if I have just swallowed a big, hard air bubble.  Where does that lump come from anyway?  Why can you sometimes cry with a lump in your throat or without? I have had a lump in my throat for a little over 5 weeks now.  I keep swallowing and crying but it does not seem to go anywhere.  It’s a broken heart.  It swells before it can heal.

The lump came back about 10 days ago.  It hurts to hold a lump in your throat and push the cry back down there somewhere…. where ever it goes.  I have cried it out many times, but it is just not enough.  The lump is still there. It will just rise up out of the deep and get lodged in my throat.  My broken heart is taking a long time to heal. 

My sister, Julie, just moved back to Mississippi to be near me and to help in any way she can.  On one of our first days of doing some real chatting, face to face, she was trying to open up a dialogue to discuss my future needs and determine some ways that she could be of help to me.  I was listening clearly, and then she said something about my needs, “down the road” or “future needs”.  Suddenly, the lump appeared and I was in a zone… completely zoned out and facing a harsh reality of Michael not being in my future.  I was all right talking about my present needs, but discussing where my needs would be in the future?  This meant that I would still be alone in the future.  Michael is not in my future, at least not on this earth.  The tears began to flow as I tried to picture life as a single parent.  I wanted to ask her, “He’s really not coming back, is he?”  Not that I thought he was going to walk in the door at any moment, I think it is just something psychological that causes us to have a hard time making that realistic break from the past to, “this is the way it is going to be from now on.”  I have pushed that lump down several times while typing this blog post. I have to push it down and keep it at bay much of today since I will be traveling to take Julia to her swimming state championships, which lasts four days.  Today, I must operate in full parent mode…. Outside of the box.  I have been inside the box for most of these last two weeks.  I will come out and hold that lump at bay, except when she swims her best times, of course.  When the children compete or perform, it is hard to be a single, proud parent and not remember what it was like to share that pride and joy with their loving father.  The lump needs to come outside of the box sometimes too.


3 comments:

Anonymous Says:
July 21, 2011 at 7:20 AM

God has plans for you, Jene', plans for a future and a hope. As one who has been alone for a while, I cling to that promise. The plans and dreams of growing old with my loved one ended but God's plan has not. Don't ever be ashamed to cry or sob-every tear you have cried, God holds in His hand and though your heart is torn, praise Him in this storm! I weep with you and pray that God's grace will be poured out upon you without measure. You are deeply loved!

kim Says:
July 21, 2011 at 2:25 PM

Jene i want to post a prayer for you its one that ive prayed for my own self . Heavenly Father, we come before you, our Sovereign and Holy God. Please reveal Yourself to Jene through Your Word. Make Yourself known in a specific way so that she may know that its You who is at work in her midst. THANK YOU that You are the One who redeems us from the pit of darkness and despair. You are the One who will deliver Jene from her sorrow and pain .You are the One who brings peace in the midst of a storm. You are the one who will fill all the empty and hurting places in her heart. Show Jene in a very real way how high and wide snd deep and long is Your love. In Jesus name ,Amen "When they walk through the Valley of Weeping it will become a place of springs where pools of blessing and refreshment collect after rains" Psalms 84:6 I sent this scripture to Nanette and Peter and they really loved it . I thought it may be one that may bless you also . Praying always for you and weeping with you
In Him
Kim Spring

Anonymous Says:
July 21, 2011 at 3:48 PM

I pray for you daily Jene, and I thought of you especially this morning in my scripture reading, which included this...

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30: 11-12

I believe you will dance again.

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