Still Calling

Yesterday morning was busy starting at a very early hour.  My four year old niece had spent the night.  We were feeding her breakfast and getting her ready for preschool.  Mia had to be at work by 8:00. It was my mom's last morning here.... she was going to leave at the same time my niece left for school.  She locked her keys in her car while she was packing and was waiting for a locksmith to arrive.  I was expecting a delivery of Michael Anthony's new bed at any minute.  In the middle of all of that, I called my father in-law to tell him about a Boy Scout project that was going to take place Saturday morning for the boys to earn a large amount of community service hours.  He had been Michael's Scout Master when he was a boy and he was wanting to step in to be more involved in Michael Anthony's scouting experience.  It was 7:30 in the morning, a time that I would only have called Michael or his parents.  I picked up the phone and my fingers automatically began to dial Michael's cell phone number.  I was almost finished punching in his entire number before I realized what I was doing.  I froze while I was standing there in the kitchen with all of the commotion going on around me.  I just stared at the phone.  The numbers seemed to blare at my eyes.  My world closed in on me for about 30 seconds but it seemed like longer.  My chest was suddenly heavy. Tears began to well up in my eyes but I held them there while I stared.  I thought to myself, What made me just do that?  Was it being alone in the kitchen on a busy morning, when in the past I would have called him during that moment to ask a question, an opinion, or advice?  Was it because, at that moment, I was calling someone to talk about Boy Scouts?  Was it just a morning habit resurfacing?(We always talked on the phone shortly after he left the house in the morning.)  Was it because we always shared the load on busy days through communication?  

Looking at those numbers on the flashing screen of the phone somehow made me feel like he was within reach....  I don't understand it.  He was always on the other end of the line any time I needed him.  If he could not talk, he would quickly send me a text to answer any questions or tell me he loved me and to have a good day.  I took a deep breath, cleared the numbers, and dialed my in-laws.  I wanted to tell my mother-in-law what had just happened and cry with her on the phone, but chose to try to keep moving with talking about the Boy Scout project.  I felt like I had been moving right along that morning and then choked and sputtered like a car running out of gas.  My sail was looking for a breeze.

 I kept all of this inside of me as my mom was bustling around and my niece was singing songs, because that is what I needed to do at that moment.  I gave myself permission to go back to all of those feelings when I was alone later.  Here I am, examining the moment.  I called his number this morning, just to make it complete.  I listened to his voice message.  I am glad it is still there.  I just needed to call him.... and I did.