Strengths and Weaknesses

I ran into a friend the other day at the gardening store while I was picking out some flowers for the beds in my side garden.  I had not seen her in awhile and it was my first time to see her since Michael’s accident.  She and I talked for a little while and I shed some tears right in the middle of all of the flowers.  She told me that she had prayed for us and shared something with me that has been in my thoughts off and on ever since that morning.  She told me she had spent time thinking about the phenomenon of how at the time in my life when I am at my absolute weakest, is when, at the same time, I have had to be my absolute strongest…. for the sake of the children.  She was amazed at how those two extremes could exist and play themselves out at the same time.   I have given it some thought and am amazed myself.  It is all because of the abundance of prayers that are going up on behalf of my children and me and because of God’s grace that continues to pour out on me daily. 

Yes, my weaknesses are many right now.  I am weak in areas that I have never in my life been weak before.  I am still extremely fragile.  I can cry with the change of the wind.  I hurt deep down inside every minute of every day.  It is always there, hovering beneath the surface, no matter what I am doing and no matter what my mood appears to be.  Coexisting at the same time, are the capabilities to do things and pull through emotionally for my children with strength that I never knew was within me.  I have always been a strong person, but now God has taken that strength to supernatural levels to carry me, and the children, through our day to day living.  He gives me emotional strength when they need to see me emotionally strong, physical strength when they need me present and doing things with them, spiritual strength when they need to know that God is still in control, that I still trust in Him with my whole heart, and that we are stable and secure in our little family unit.  For example, yesterday was Michael Anthony’s 13^th birthday.  What a special day and God gave me supernatural strength the entire day to be upbeat, positive, and busy with him from the time we got up for his birthday breakfast to the time we went to bed after a long day of celebrating.   We had his favorite big breakfast, opened all of his gifts, went to the tennis store to pick up his new racquet that had been strung, played tennis, ate lunch (in public) at the club, met about 15 family members at his favorite Chinese restaurant for a buffet dinner, then back to our house for Nana’s Italian cream cake, ice cream, and more presents.  It was a great time of fellowship with all of Michael’s family over here.  We laughed and the whole evening was full of joy as we celebrated Michael Anthony’s life. 

Today I have been in my weaknesses.  It was Youth Sunday at church and Mia was singing the special music.  The first song that we all sang together was, “I am a Friend of God.”  This was “Michael’s” song.  He led this song in our previous church and he sang it in our present church.  As soon as the music started, I impatiently tried to locate some tissues in my purse.  Once I found them and prepared myself, I looked up and Mia was no longer up on stage with the choir.  I saw her on the front row being consoled by the music director.  I slipped out of our row of chairs and walked up to her.  We stood there and held one another in an embrace while we cried together.  I said,”This is his song,” and she nodded her head.  I asked her if she would be okay to sing her song and she said she could do it.  I kissed her and went back to my seat while everyone was still singing the song.  Once I returned to my seat, I felt utter weakness and fled to the restroom without looking up at anyone.  A sweet woman, whose son was a Boy Scout in Michael’s troop, saw me in the hall and followed me into the restroom.  As soon as I stepped my foot into the ladies room, I broke down.  She was immediately there holding me as I sobbed.  She cried with me and comforted me.  It was total weakness.  After about 5 minutes, I had to pull all of my strength together and go back into the sanctuary to hear Mia’s solo.  God came and carried us both through it and she did beautifully.  I was exhausted.   The children knew that at I was at a weak moment after the service but they were fine with it.  I have learned that there are times when they feel it too and it is completely acceptable.  Then, there are other times when they don’t want any sadness… they want to experience joy and see my strength.  We are all dancing through this together.  Weakness to strength and strength to weakness.  God is with us as we experience both.  If I did not have any children, how easy it would be to stay down in the weaknesses and not have a need to rise up and reach for the strengths.  We are helping one another through the ebb and flow of these contrasting truths.