Night Time

I recently got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and realized a change had taken place in the way I saw things, when I am in my most alone moments at night. For most of the last 8 months, I have had difficulty sleeping during parts of the night. More often than not, I would need to go to the bathroom at some point during those sleepless or restless nights. I always hated to get out of the bed during those times because fear would try to catch my thoughts while I was up in the dark of the night. It was a constant reminder that I was alone, Michael was gone, and he was not ever coming back. Every time I would walk back to my bed, I could imagine Michael sleeping in it on his side, then would feel a pain in my heart and a wave of depressed loneliness would come over me as I got back in bed. Even going back and forth past the sink in my vanity area seemed to be so empty; it was just for me now…..his usual remnants were no longer there. I would crawl back into bed and feel like the silence and loneliness were enveloping me. I would often stare at his pillow and imagine his sleeping face and try to hear his breathing. After listening to the silence, I would take a deep breath and miss him even more for awhile, then roll over and try to go back to sleep, while at the same time wishing that it was time to get up for the day. The day light hours were often times easier for me to handle because there were so many distractions, but at night, it was just me and my memories of Michael’s presence at all times.

When I was about to leave my bathroom and walk by my sink recently in the middle of the night, I suddenly realized that I had grown used to being alone at night. The sink and the vanity area had become mine. They did not appear like a dark shadow lurking to stab at me as I walked by. My heart did not ache like it used to when I would notice that it was just my toothbrush sitting in the stainless cup instead of two. I walked to my bed and looked at his side of the bed as I approached it and recognized a “new normal” had settled into my nighttime routine. The room was still painfully silent, but did not feel so empty…..it was full of me and God’s grace. I got into bed and stared some more at his side of the bed and felt the acceptance that had taken place. I recognized how quiet it always was in my room from the time I walk into my room to get ready for bed to the moment the children wake up in the morning. The silence is still hard sometimes. I often still long for those bed time conversations(I talk about them in my post called "Nightstand Reading"), or the conversations in the closet while we changed, that help me to decompress after a long day. Getting accustomed to the silence is just as hard as adjusting to the absence of his physical presence. I have watched the change of the night go from peaceful, restorative rest and loving silence next to my husband, to fear, terror, sleeplessness, worry, and loneliness, and now to a calm acceptance of being alone, God’s peace tangibly present, and His assurance that He is right there with me through every minute of the night......”He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.”