Where Do I Begin – Part 2

I am beginning to feel that I had a sense of “knowing” this tragic ending many years ago, somewhere deep down in my soul. Certain scenes in movies and certain songs would not just make me sad or melancholy like they do to some people.  They would literally break my heart.  It would be extremely painful, put me in a depressed state, and I could not explain it or make any sense of the deep pain that would come about when exposed to them.   I would be so moved by them that I could hardly bear it.  I never shared it with anyone, including Michael, because it just did not make sense to me.  I knew that something was passionately stirred inside of me but could not put my finger on what it was.  Was it just compassion for the broken hearted, an understanding of longing for something that you can’t have, or was it my soul already grieving?  I didn’t’ know.   Sometimes I would leave a movie, or finish hearing a song, and I would silently ask God in my heart, “What was that all about?  Why do these things seem to slam me so hard?  Why am I internalizing the pain to this degree?  Why does this move me so?  What are you trying to show me here?”  I asked God these questions over and over again through the years.  The emotions and the pain I experienced with each exposure, increased with age and came to, what I thought was, a climax last fall.  It was really just the end of the training.  It became almost unbearable to carry the weight that came with hearing certain songs and to watch certain movies….Josh Groban’s,” Where You Are”, being one of the songs.  Sometimes I thought I was depressed, but had no reason to be.  I could be moving right along cooking in the kitchen, when the song would change to one of “the” songs, and I would feel like everything was in slow motion and I would begin to miss Michael, even though he was upstairs changing after work.  I would try to put answers to all of my questions about it but nothing made sense.  I did not understand it for years, but now I feel that my heart was slowly being trained to handle, and function, with the empty feeling to life without him.  There is no other explanation.  All those questions that I asked God?  Sometimes we ask Him questions and He does not answer because we cannot handle the truth….it is not time for the answer….but now I know. 

One night last fall, he came into the kitchen while I was cooking dinner, and Josh Groban’s, “You’re Still You,” was beginning to play.   I remember he was sitting on a stool at the counter sipping on a glass of red wine.  I looked at him with a longing, and pain in my heart and said, “I would love for you to sing this to me sometime.”  (It felt like the words in that song were representative of this unique bond that we felt towards one another, an unspoken sentiment. I was asking him to sing it to me, but, with our hearts, we would be singing it to each other.)  With a twinkle in his eye and a smile, he asked me like a shy, but beaming schoolboy, “You would?” With tears rolling down my cheeks, I looked at him and nodded my head, while stirring the pot on the cooktop.  He sat in silence as he listened to every word in the song , while making little sounds of agreement to the lyrics.  When it was over, he came to me for an embrace, with that adoring, loving look, and said, “That’s a great song, Babe….I would love to sing it to you.”

 “You’re Still You” by Josh Groban

Through the darkness, I can see your light

And you will always shine, and I can feel your heart in mine

Your face I’ve memorized, I idolize just you

I look up to you, everything you are

In my eyes you do no wrong, I’ve loved you for so long

And after all is said and done

You’re still you, after all, you’re still you

You walk past me, I can feel your pain

Time changes everything, one truth always stays the same

You’re still you, after all, you’re still you

I look up to you, everything you are

In my eyes you do no wrong

And I believe in you, although you never asked me to

I will remember you and what life put you through

And in the cruel and lonely world

I found one love

You’re still you, after all, you’re still you

He never got to sing it to me, but after hearing, “Where You Are”, and crying streams of tears while my dinner was getting cold, “You’re Still You” began to play…..and I felt it was him. 

P.S. – I want to add a lyric disclaimer lest someone misunderstand.   When it says, “in my eyes you do no wrong”, of course that is not literal.  What I see it to mean is, “I will love you no matter what. You are perfectly chosen by God for me, therefore, God can help us overcome any wrong.”  Walking not only in love, but also in mercy towards one another.