Hard, but Good

So many times I have found myself answering a question that I am often asked, “So how was it?” , referring to something that I have had to experience that would have been difficult for me, with the short response of, “it was hard but good.”  When I say that, I am trying to say that it was a very difficult thing for me to have to walk through, but it was good for me to press through and do it anyway.  Sometimes it is hard and not good.  In other words, it was hard and I feel like I did not gain any strength, courage, understanding, or release of pain from having to do it.  Going to the beach with my children to visit Nanette and Peter without Michael was hard but good for us to share in our grieving with such close friends.  Writing on my blog is hard for me to gather up all that I am feeling and put words on it, then cry as I experience it again as I read my own words, but it is good for my emotional state. Sending Michael Anthony off for three and a half weeks of camp this summer was hard, but good for building his self confidence and learning to rely on his inner strength.  Going to the beach this past spring by ourselves without Michael for the first time was hard, but good for our health, reflection time, and our time of bonding as a new family unit.  Watching the children’s piano recital was hard but good because of the strength and confidence that grew in the hearts of my children from having to overcome such great obstacles to get to the recital day.  Going to the cemetery for the first time by myself was hard, but a good time of solitude, talking to God,  and crying for Michael.  Attending all of the business meetings with attorneys and financial people are hard and not very good because they are reminders that Michael is no longer a part of this arrangement and I am having to trudge through all of these decisions alone.  Choosing a head stone and bench for the cemetery was hard, not good.  Signing off on all of the proofs for the wording on them both would come in an email form  and it was hard, not good.  I could be sitting anywhere in public, do a quick glance at my emails and a proof for one of them would pop up and I had to just sit there and act like it was just another email.  This was hard, not good.

Some things in life are hard but build character, or you can at least see the lesson that will be learned when you get to the other side. Other times, things are just plain hard and we can’t always see the good in it.   Most things right now are plain hard, just making daily decisions can sometimes be hard.  There are many more things that I am going to have to experience this year that will be hard.  Will they be good for me too?  I don’t know.  There is always more to learn and more room for growth.  I am still taking things one day at a time….even a half a day at a time.