Where Do I Begin – Part 1

Where do I begin?  I am on a personal retreat for 3 days, at a cottage/guest house in the country, somewhere not too far from home.  No frills, no other guests, no restaurants…just me, the cottage, and the owners, whose home is about 50 yards away.  It is quaint, peaceful, and full of solitude.  It is everything I wanted it to be.  For the first twenty -four hours, I have felt totally numb, speechless, tearless, and thoughtless.  I have sat for long periods of silence, listened to the bugs, birds, and the oscillating fan while sitting on the screened porch, watched a couple of British films, read books, ate meals in silence, and even waded in the cool, rippling creek which runs through their property.  I have been waiting to feel like I was through decompressing before delving into any writing or contemplations on life, but the decompressing, the pulling away, reorienting myself, settling myself down on the inside, was taking much longer than I thought it would.  I got up from watching a couple of parts of a PBS Masterpiece Classic, Downton Abbey, on my computer and began to heat up a delicious dinner with some bread and wine. (My sister, Julie, packed a huge basket of all the kinds of food and drinks I love for me to have for these three days.)   I sat down in the chair next to the table with my iPod speakers and chose to listen to Josh Groban… it seemed to fit the meal. Even though it carried many memories associated with Michael, I wanted to try.... I was in the mood for that music.  So much of the other music seemed too upbeat for the silent moment. I set my glass of red wine on the table and took my first bite as the first song began.  No longer than having chewed twice on the food now in my mouth, that the weight of the lyrics set into my soul and all of my decompression time came to a sudden stand still to the present reality…I was in the moment.  I began to cry so suddenly and so fiercely that I almost choked on the food in my mouth.  The tears poured out in steady streams and I could hardly breathe as the song carried me to the painful separation between where Michael is now, where I am, the life we had, the life that is, and the question of what life will be…..

“To Where You Are” by Josh Groban

Who can say for certain, maybe you’re still here

I feel you all around me, your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness, I can hear you speak

You’re still an inspiration, Can it be?

That you are mine, forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me to where you are, beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight to see your smile

If only for awhile to know you’re there

A breath away, not far to where you are

Are you gently sleeping, here inside my dream

And isn’t faith believing all power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you, just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

‘Cause you are my forever love,

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up, to where you are, beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight to see your smile

If only for awhile to know you’re there

A breath away, not far, to where you are

I know you’re there

A breath away, not far, to where you are