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Done vs. Undone

Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Yesterday I was looking for some medicine for Michael Anthony in my medicine basket because he has a bad stuffy nose. I believe that I have not had to dig through that basket this whole past year. I saw all of Michael’s old prescription meds from past sinus infections or back pain, from when he would occasionally throw it out just putting on his socks, where all still floating around in that basket. It hit me again, suddenly, how fast the year has gone by. I thought to myself, “I can’t believe I haven’t thrown those away yet.” This led to the next thought of how many things like that still have not been done…. mainly because there have been too many more important pressing issues to deal with on a daily basis. Managing day –to- day living/survival for a household of 6, tying up all of Michael’s business dealings… and trying to clean out and purge stuff from my missing spouse? The purging easily became something at the bottom of the list. These little things just don’t really matter in the big picture, but it made me see how fleeting life and time can be. But, I could not help but think about and picture all of the things that I had not done or finished this year. I tried not to dwell on it too long and my friend Nanette reminded me on the phone of everything I did do this year. I am not one to usually think or care about what other people think, but, if I were honest with myself, I would admit that I feel like people are looking at what I haven’t done and are thinking, “I can’t believe she has not done that yet. I can’t believe she hasn’t cleaned that up yet. I can’t believe she has not organized that yet. I can’t believe that same stack of papers is still there. Is she ever going to go through those boxes in the corner?....” I have let it go all year because there were always too many other things each day that were higher priorities. I do a little everyday, but it is like pulling weeds. You pull the most unsightly ones first, and then begin to work on the others, one area at a time, and by the time you get to the last area; there are more weeds to pull where you started.

Things I still have not done

Emptied his clothes from the closet, except for the few that Michael Anthony has taken out to wear and some that I gave to my nephew. Have tried to do it more than once.

Emptied out his dresser drawers.

Cleaned out his basket under his side of the sink with all of his colognes and other toiletries.

Cleaned out his brown leather Dopp kit.

Thrown away any of his prescriptions meds that are in my medicine basket.

Put away any of his shoes.

Finished emptying out his old office….(an elephant waiting for me to push it over.)

Finished thank you notes for gifts or memoriam gifts given in the second half of the year.

Gone through all of his high-end tools to find a new home for them.

Finished going through his library of books, which we boxed up together last February from his old office.

Put any of the photos back into the albums and frames where they came from that were used for the picture boards at the visitation.

Thrown away his favorite hair products.

Enjoyed my garden.

The list of what I have done is longer and the intangible list is even longer. This is what I must keep my eyes focused upon. With God’s grace in abundance, I have held my family unit together. I have not run from God but have run towards Him. I have learned. I have learned more about my children and have studied them. I have gotten out of bed every single day. I have done what had to be done each and every day. I have taken the healing process very seriously, because it needs to be. I have thanked God in the middle of it for the little things and the big. I have never stopped loving my children. I have never stopped being present for my children. I have never stopped praying for my children. As Michael used to tell me, “Babe, if all you ever do is feed all of the children, and meet their needs, you have done enough.” I think he told me that for such a time as this. It just immediately came to my memory as I typed what I have done for the children and I began to cry. I can picture him saying that to me from across the dinner table at the end of a long day. He was encouraging me and lifting me up out of my, “I haven’t accomplished anything today mentality.” He just did it again.


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