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Creating Life

Friday, June 3, 2011
Even with all of the children here, most of the time, the house still feels somewhat lifeless.  No matter what we are doing., it is obvious that somebody  and something is missing.  Even when Michael was not in the house physically, just the idea of him helped fill up the house with life and activity.  As I have mentioned before, we talked on the phone or texted all throughout the day.  We would get one another’s opinion in certain  areas, see how the other was doing, or just reach out to say I am thinking of you.  Our children were free to call him whenever they needed to talk to him or ask as question, as well.  Michael Anthony took full advantage of this and called him everyday, more than once.  Many times he would call him just to share a creative idea he was having to get some encouragement from his ultra creative dad.  Part of the quietness and lifelessness is just the lack of another conversation going on in the midst of all the activities in the house, or the opportunity for conversation with him whenever I had a lull in the day….. that is when I seemed to talk to him the most.  Now it seems that my whole day is full of one big time of quietness. 

I have realized in the past couple of weeks that I need to be proactive,  and creative, in creating life, or the feeling of life,  in the house.  I know that this revelation is from the Lord because I don’t believe that I would have the ability right now to make my brain work this way.  There were always certain things that we did when company was coming over for a visit ,or when Michael was coming home at the end of the day, that created an expectancy of fellowship and a love for life.  Playing music on the iPod speakers in the late afternoon is a huge help.  They are situated in the kitchen keeping area, which is the hub of all conversation and activity.  It makes us feel good and that there is beauty in the moment. I have learned that sound, in general, is good at creating life in the house.  I now love the sound of the dishwasher running.  It makes me realize that we have been eating, living, and using our kitchen.  The act of cleaning the kitchen and getting it to the point to use the dishwasher is good for seeing the presence of life too.  I also love to hear the washing machine or the dryer going through their cycles.  I used to only do laundry on Mondays, but now I don’t mind throwing in a load at any time.  It makes me feel productive and creates a sense of normalcy….life is going on.    I used to make a sweet minted or peach tea when company was coming over for a visit.   I have begun to do it for us to enjoy, even when nobody is coming over…. Just because.  The night before last, Michael Anthony poured himself a big glass and said, “Mom, did you make this tea for anything special?”  My reply was no, I had made it just for us to enjoy.  He smiled a big smile and said, “Thanks!”  I have been burning lots of great smelling candles more lately because a lit candle is not only soothing with it’s light and aroma, but again, makes the room feel special and that good conversation is welcome here.  Having the kids do chores around the house helps bring life.  None of us really feel like doing anything, but the energy that comes from getting something accomplished in the house is worth it.

I know that cooking will do all of these things for me too, but I have not been able to do that yet either.  I have always loved to cook for all of these reasons…. The smells, the action in the kitchen, the conversations that take place around the kitchen counter, the satisfaction of cooking something great for the people I love, and  the life that it brings to the house. To me, it shows that someone lives here and loves it.  I may just start with baking because those aromas are the absolute best.  I picked blueberries this week with a friend and I am thinking about blueberry streusel muffins or scones.  We all love them and Michael would moan with delight as I would pull them out of the oven.  He would come home from work when I was pulling some baked goods out of the oven to enjoy it while it was hot and to be there in the glory of moment when everything is fresh and on the counter. He would eat one, of whatever I had made, and make some noise, sometimes close his eyes, and say, ”Mmmmm! Oh, Babe!”  He would then take some extras on a napkin to enjoy back at the office or finish them before he even got back to his desk.

Creating life in a home that has lost a precious life.... It is hard.  It can sometimes feel laborious and fake.  Sometimes, I just walk around looking for ways to make the house feel alive.  Once I do something, anything, I am slightly comforted by the outcome.  All of these things that I am doing seem small, but a beautiful life is made up of just a lot of small acts.  I believe all of these things are helping the children and me feel that all is well.  They bring a feeling of security and stability.  We are still living our lives.  There are still things there to enjoy, even though the level of joy is not the same.  Will there ever be the level of full joy that we had before?  I don’t know the answer to that.  God is the great Creator of life.  I am made in His image.  He is showing me how to create life and beauty in this fallen world.


Anonymous Says:
June 3, 2011 at 6:54 AM

Though we don't know each other, I am following your journey, sharing your pain, and praying that my little bits of sadness for your loss are little bits subtracted from yours. Today, as I read your entry. I wondered if you have ever heard of the online music streaming service called "Hearts of Space?" At our house, we listen almost all the time, and the house does seem too lifeless and lonely when it is quiet. I know I also can't handle lyrics all day long, even of my favorite music, and so this background music is perfect. Give it a try if you are so inclined. I think you will like it.

Anonymous Says:
June 4, 2011 at 6:51 AM

I too do not know you or your sweet family. But, know this that you are helping people through your writings. Ministering to individuals. We sometimes will never know why things happen in this lifetime until we get to heaven. Believe this though- as real as this earth is- heaven is even more real. Your Michael as gone on; but the Lord still needs you here..on this earth for you to fullfill his plan..God will continue to give you the grace.. day after day to be a wonderful vessel!

Anonymous Says:
June 4, 2011 at 7:56 PM

I am also someone that doesn't know you personally, and follow your blog. You will never know how much your words mean to all of us. You are a strong woman and I pray for you and your family daily. Thank you for sharing your unbelievable words. I am giving your blog address to a woman that lost her husband a couple of weeks ago. I know that she is going through the same thing you have/are going through and this will help her as well. Thank you again for sharing your feelings.

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